I’m full of shit.
Over a decade of pumping my body full of the stuff to make sure I didn’t get pregnant, only to spend years doing the same to make a baby.
I’ve had hormones racing around my frazzled body for as long as I can remember. I’ve had it in tablet form, liquid form, through needles, implants and even things shoved up my bum. I’ve had the sweats, the the pain, the headaches, wind and the short fused, anxious personality that all came with it.
I’m the first to put my body down….falling out with myself every time I see that scrawny reflection in the mirror, that peperami figure that gets me onto Alton towers on a child’s pass, the flat chested, boyish build that wouldn’t fill a first bra in Debenhams, those bags under my eyes that seem to get darker by the day.
But wow, it’s been through it.
That body was poisened for years, prodded and poked at with needles, seen by half of the NHS staff, carried two babies at once, had it’s stomach cut open and sewn back together again, grew a fabulous set of boobs when it was needed and had strangers massaging it’s weepy, post baby chest in search for milk from a shocked body, that wasn’t meant to have given both for another 2 months.
Then as soon as that was over, I put it through yet another year of hormones without a break, just in case I got pregnant again.
That’s it. She’s off duty now.
Finally i’m free of any drugs! No implant in my arm anymore. The ball is in Hubby’s court now. My body has been through enough.
While I still feel ready for another baby, Keith isn’t. I respect that. We got more than we dreamed of with the twins and are truly blessed to have this family. But I feel strongly that I want my body rid of hormones and as the only other option is the copper coil, with that still fertilising an egg, given what we went through to get here, that’s not something I can live with.
This is a huge thing for us. Like an end to something our relationship has been centred around. A little bit relieved to be honest.
The pressure of babies is always with us strangely. Even now we have two, after years praying for one.
Time to just enjoy what we have and be thankful. See what marriage is like without fertility or lack of it.