I think of you every single day. I sometimes want to interrupt conversations I’m having just to mention you, blurt out a memory that’s popped into my head at that very moment, just in case I go another day without actually saying your name out loud. I’m so busy these days I can go a whole week without saying it , “Mum”.
Mum, thank you for being so strong and courageous. If it wasn’t for you putting on that beautiful, brave face…. I know I wouldn’t be where I am right now. Since you’ve gone, since I’ve become a mother, I know now how hard you must have fought to keep that game face on as you realised what we had ahead of us, and what you’d miss out on.
I might not say “Mum” as much as I’d like…. But we say “NanAnn” now.
I often think of you knowing how different things would be if you were still with us. How you’d make the tough times way easier, how you’d be here every day, how proud you’d be of the family we’ve become and how you’d tell me to “just go for it” with all my deliberations.
Life goes on, sure. But I want you to know that it’s not the same without you. It gets easier, of course. But I want you to know I still cry for you sometimes. When I’m laughing, I still have moments where I feel guilty for for being this happy. But I am. I’m happy.
I want you to know I’m happy now, Mum.
Thank you for sending me these beautiful little boys. Thank you for sending them when you did and not before, when I thought I was ready. For giving me and Keith the family we longed for, and the life we have now.
Thank you for giving me these precious boys to love, like we loved.
NanAnn. The boys say it everyday. And when they say it, my heart heals a little bit more.
Happy Mothers Day up there, Mum.